i. INT - BEDROOM - IVE BEEN REALLY HAPPY LATELY
i’ve been really happy lately, which is, um, the most terrifying possible state of being. my life is so full, um, of things and people that i care about, which is incredible— it’s incredible to have to feel as though i’ve built and am building a life worth living, um, for i think maybe the first time. but it’s also, uhh, i guess, vulnerable? there’s something about having something to lose, um, and about actually feeling connected to other people, uh, on a— on a personal level, and as if i’m part of a community... it’s changed my life, it’s saved my life, but it’s also, um— like i don’t think i was ever really going to just, um, leave? it’s just, uh, it’s so comforting to have that option. um. while also, like, the— what’s the point otherwise? like— it’s so, uh, lovely and safe to just wallow— like when, um, like a really good hangover? like, uh, like when you just have— when you’ve got nothing to do & everything kinda hurts but not too bad, uh, but you can’t— you’ve— you just feel shitty, but you’re allowed to just feel shitty, you know. like you spend a whole sunday, like, just in bed. you take like four naps, uh, and everything’s really, like, slow… um, and it sucks, and you throw up, but there’s, like, a indulgent sort of hedonistic… delight about it. that it feels almost, um— like a, uh— oh uh, like a rebellion? it feels— um. what’s that fucking word? deviant? not deviant. um— i don’t know. transgressive, maybe. um, but it’s not. it’s not. it’s not, and the, you know— when it’s that all the time, then especially it isn’t. um. shit, well— and that’s just scary. it’s just scary to love so many people and feel loved and feel the weight of that love. i’m so grateful for it, and i, um… it keeps me going, but i feel it. i feel it all the time. and i’m always so worried about it going away, which is not helpful, and i’m trying to trust it more. i’m trying really hard, and i’m— it’s— for the first time, i’m in a place where i can try, at least. it’s kinda cyclical, i guess.

ii. EXT - WALKING HOME - EXPECT THE IMPOSSIBLE
there’s almost something like, uh, narcissistic in how often i have this total panic spiral that i’m, like, letting people down. um, like, the, uh— the assumption that people need me as much as i’m worried they do, and as much as i guess i want them to… um, it’s like the thing where, you know, if you have this horrible self-image, you have to— in order to, uh, maintain that, you have to believe the things you’re telling yourself over the people you say you trust, so who do you really trust? and, uh, i can spend days and days, uh, freaking out about something that’s nothing, and i should know that by now. and partially i do, um, but sometimes it’s so real. and there’s only so much work i can do with that, i guess. it’s incredible just the, like, shame and relief of somebody telling you they don’t as— they don’t expect as much as you— as— as much out of you as you do, um, and it’s like, thank god, because i was setting myself up to fail. um, and i’m glad that one of us is being realistic. but there’s always, i think, just a tiny bit, that’s like— not always, but often, a tiny bit that’s like, “well, but why don’t you expect the impossible from me?” you know? um— but ultimately, it’s, i think, just a relief, and i wish that i could, um, consistently actually pinpoint when i’m, uh, not seeing the situation clearly, but i guess that’s sort of inherent to it. fuck, man.

iii. INT - LIVING ROOM FLOOR - JUST BC YOU FEEL SOMETHING DOESNT MEAN ITS REAL
i spend so much time worried that people are going to see through things that i’m not sure— i don’t think are even fake. like, if something happens and i react really well, in a crisis or in a mot— in a moment of high emotion, um, as soon as i come down from it, i feel uh… guilt. like, intense, sob-inducing guilt.

[garold meows loudly]

that i, um, that i handled it too well, and that means there’s something wrong with me. or if i’m too good at apologising, or too good at listening… people will know that i, uh, work at it, and they’ll know that a lot of the things that come naturally to people— or that are supposed to come naturally— don’t, and i had to teach myself a lot of stuff, and they’re gonna— they’re gonna just throw me away. ultimately, if i’m talking through it with myself, it’s like, “well, i mean, you learned how to care for people because you care about people, and that’s good.” but i— i can’t help but feel all the time like i’m... it’s manipulative. because i did have to study it. and i did have to teach myself how to communicate with people and how to— how to be a better person than i— than maybe my first instincts would have been— would have lead me to be. but i did that because i do care. i do care; i want to be good, and i want i want to be a good force. and i know that thoughts are not more true than actions, and unconscious or subconscious things are not more true than the choices you make, and just because you feel something doesn’t mean it’s real. you can— you can work through feelings, and you should work through feelings, and you should honour those feelings and understand where they came from, but they don’t— you can do that without— i can do that— i have to do that by recognising that they aren’t necessarily true. and i guess it becomes this question of authenticity, and what that means, and what honesty is, and what’s an authentic self, and who is everyone? how do you even define— how do you define what a person is? but i try… really hard, and i like i like to think that counts for something, and i like to think that overall, i’m... a positive force, rather than a negative one, but my ruling emotion is fear. so... it’s ok to be an alien, i think, as long as you don’t hurt anybody.

[smoochy noises] hi. how you doing, purrboy?

[garold purr outro]