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A CHECK ENGINE LIGHT

by piloting the animal

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Matthew Rebeiro
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jordantycook
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Theperson
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Chris Lawson
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1.
TO BE WITNESSED OUT OF CONTROL 10:19
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IT'S TOO UNBEARABLE TO TAKE ALMOST TO EVEN MENTION THE HUMILIATION OF FALLING ASLEEP IN THE CAR HEAD SNAPPING DOWN TO YOUR SHOULDER IN THE BACK SEAT LIKE YOUR EXHAUSTION CAUGHT YOU BY SURPRISE GOT THE JUMP ON YOU WRAPPED ITS HANDS AROUND YOUR NECK FROM BEHIND & TWISTED LIKE A CARTOON VILLAIN'S HENCHMAN BODY LEFT LIMP ON THE FLOOR IN THAT NEBULOUS STATE OF DEATH & UNDEATH TERRIFIED OF THE DRIVER'S EYES FLICKING UP TO THE MIRROR TO SEE YOUR LIDS CLOSED YOUR JAW SLACK TERRIFIED TO BE WITNESSED OUT OF CONTROL DID ANYBODY EVER CARRY YOUR SLEEPING BODY OUT OF THE CAR? DID ANYBODY EVER CARRY YOUR SLEEPING BODY OUT OF THE CAR? DID ANYBODY EVER CARRY YOUR SLEEPING BODY OUT OF THE CAR UP THE STAIRS & SAFE INTO BED? DID ANYBODY EVER CARRY YOUR SLEEPING BODY OUT OF THE CAR UP THE STAIRS & SAFE INTO BED? DID ANYBODY EVER CARRY YOUR SLEEPING BODY? OUT OF THE CAR? UP THE STAIRS SAFE INTO BED? DID ANYBODY EVER CARRY YOUR SLEEPING BODY OUT OF THE CAR UP THE STAIRS & SAFE INTO BED? DID ANYBODY EVER CARRY YOUR SLEEPING BODY OUT OF THE CAR UP THE STAIRS SAFE INTO BED? DID ANYBODY EVER CARRY YOUR SLEEPING BODY OUT OF THE CAR? DID ANYBODY EVER CARRY YOUR SLEEPING BODY UP THE STAIRS?
2.
TO PLAY 09:23
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i i i i don't want to play. i don't want to play. i don't want to play. i don't want to play.
3.
TO TEAR YOUR LIFE APART AT THE SEAMS 07:17
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a year ago today i tweeted, "the lesbian urge to tear your life apart at the seams & throw the unrecognisable pieces into the flames." ... november... hahahahaha the lesbian urge to tear your life apart at the seams & throw the unrecognisable pieces into the flames the lesbian urge to tear your life apart at the seams & throw the unrecognisable pieces into the flames the lesbian urge to tear your life apart at the seams & throw the unrecognisable pieces into the flames into the flames into the flames into the flames into the flames into the flames into the flames into the flames into the flames into the flames into the flames into the flames into the flames into the flames into the flames into the flames
4.
TO EMPTY YOU OUT 08:03
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lately ive been really getting back into uhhhh rotting get close enough & the sudden clarity of understanding will fill your nose & mouth feel the weight of it the weight of the scent on your tongue the weight of it in your throat meaty & sweet a smell like a set of hands one pinching your nose closed the other probing your esophagus trying to empty you out trying to empty you out trying to empty you out trying to empty you out trying to empty you out spending my days slowly liquifying a willing host to any parasite that will have me any mycorrhizal network that wants to break new ground feeding anything that can feed on me anything that feels it could build a life off of my death anything that wants to hollow me out strip me for parts i can't access that energy anyway someone may as well use it i'm begging someone to use it anyone please
5.
TO VIDEO CALL A PSYCHIATRIST 06:48
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6.
TO RECOGNISE THAT THERE ARE THINGS THAT ARE OUT OF YOUR CONTROL 07:40
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[inaudible]
7.
TO SUSTAIN YOURSELF EVEN IF IT IS THE THING THAT KILLS YOU 06:43
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the, uh, heart rate spikes i get right after i eat feel, uh, a little bit like i'm actively dying sometimes. like it's the, uh, very act of sustaining myself that's gonna be the thing that kills me. life... is just a series of symptoms of uhh... the disease called life..? you live 'til you die. right?
8.
TO HAVE CRIED, TO BE CRYING 08:06
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i've been i've been cryin i've been i've been cryin i've been i've been cryin i've been i've been cryin i've been i've been cryin i've been i've been cryin i've been cryin i've been cryin i've been cryin cryin i've been i've been cryin i've been cryin i've been cryin i've been cryin i've been cryin i've been cryin i've been cryin
9.
TO GET HERE COMMA HOW BAD IT HAD TO GET 09:56
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don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? making all these phone calls hoping they'll believe me. don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? making all these phone calls hoping they'll believe me. don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? making all these phone calls, hoping they'll believe me. don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? making all these phone calls, hoping they'll believe me. don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? making all these phone calls hoping they'll believe me. push it past the break point. fuel the fire with fear. don't you know how bad it got for me to be here? push it past the break point. feel the fear with fear. don't you get how bad it got for me to be here? push it past the break point. fuel the fire with fear. don't you know how bad it got for me to be here? don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? making all these phone calls hoping they'll believe me. don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? making all these phone calls hoping they'll believe me. don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? making all these phone calls hoping they'll believe me push it past the break point. fuel the fire with fear. don't you get how bad it got for me to be here? don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? making all these phone calls hoping they'll believe me push it past the break point. fuel the fire with fear. don't you know how bad it got for me to be here? push it past the break point push it past the break point push it past the break point push it past the break point don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? making all these phone calls. hoping they'll believe me. don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? making all these phone calls. hoping they'll believe me. don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy? don't it ever feel like nothing's ever easy?
10.
TO STAY AT A ROLLING BOIL 07:48
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11.
TO MEET YOUR BODY IN GOOD FAITH WITH HONESTY AND CARE 05:54
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i want to honour & trust my body. i want to extend my body the grace i extend to anyone i am in relationship with. i want to meet it in good faith, to accept that it expresses needs without malice, to believe in its ability to communicate directly without subtext. my body is not manipulating me. my body is not capable of deceipt or spite. my body does not make suggestions from a place of malice. my body is not trying to trick me &, importantly, cannot be tricked. my body deserves the tenderness of a child whose only tool is tears. it deserves for me to meet it with honesty & care. you don't fix a check engine light by putting electrical tape over the dashboard. i want to honour & trust the warning lights my body flashes, the alarms it can't resolve to silence without my interference, the pained whirrs & clicks that show i've already pushed it too far. my body is not manipulating me. i will extend it grace. i will meet it in good faith, with honesty & care. my body is not manipulating me. my body is not manipulating me.
12.
TO LOSE LIGHT BETWEEN FOUR AND FIVE PM 06:02
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13.
TO MAKE THE NUMBERS FEEL SAFE 08:29
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about

i set the aim of recording five+ minutes of live to tape sounds ever day in november. ive done projects like this before & severely burned myself out on the act of creation, so when it wasnt bringing me enough fulfillment, i granted myself the kindness of letting it go without selfjudgement. the first dozen tracks are the dailies i did end up recording, entirely in the first two weeks of the month. some of them are really good & some of them are just fine, which is what you get when you do something every day.

the song-every-day-november recordings were posted as videos on my cohost as soon as they were done: cohost.org/pilotingtheanimal/tagged/sonevdanov & here they are in a youtube playlist also: www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLra0yTH1j7Z4KAx_PrBp1_Tl-epD2bWPR

the track i threw on at the end to round up to lucky thirteen is a vocal loop i recorded on my phone while sitting on the floor in my underwear bc i was mourning how disconnected i felt from Making Stuff & needed to just Make Something: cohost.org/pilotingtheanimal/post/107326-https-www-youtube

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released January 14, 2023

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piloting the animal Peterborough, Ontario

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